You Are Not Alone. Your Safety Comes First.
Leaving a violent or coercive relationship is one of the most difficult and dangerous decisions a person can make. This page is designed to help you understand your options, organize your case safely, and move forward on your timeline. Everything here is confidential. There is no rush. You are in control.
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Coercive Control: What to Document and Why It Matters
Physical violence is only one form of abuse. Courts increasingly recognize coercive control — a pattern of behavior that strips away your freedom, autonomy, and sense of self — as serious domestic abuse. Documenting these patterns is just as important as documenting physical incidents.
Financial Abuse Indicators
Check any that apply to your situation. These are legitimate legal grounds in most states.
- Prevented from working or sabotaged employment (calling your workplace, hiding your car keys, causing scenes)
- Controlled all access to money — required to ask for cash for basic needs
- Credit cards taken away or accounts closed without your consent
- Ran up debt in your name without your knowledge or agreement
- Withheld financial information — you don't know what assets or debts exist
- Forced you to sign documents (tax returns, deeds, loans) under duress
- Stolen money or property from you or your family members
- Refused to pay court-ordered support to financially coerce compliance
- Hidden assets or income to understate marital estate
- Destroyed property as punishment or intimidation
Emotional & Psychological Abuse Patterns
Document these patterns with dates, quotes, and any witnesses.
- Constant criticism, humiliation, or name-calling — especially in front of children or others
- Threats of violence against you, your children, pets, or family members
- Threats to take the children or report you to child protective services as a control tactic
- Gaslighting — denying events occurred, making you doubt your memory or perception
- Extreme jealousy and possessiveness framed as love or concern
- Public humiliation on social media or in front of friends and family
- Threats to "out" you or reveal private information as leverage
- Suicide threats used to prevent you from leaving
- Belittling your parenting to undermine your confidence and control custody dynamics
Isolation Tactics to Document
Isolation is a core coercive control tactic. Document when it started and how it escalated.
- Cutting off contact with family — creating conflict, forbidding visits, monitoring calls
- Controlling social relationships — dictating who you can see or speak to
- Moving you far from your support network — relocating to isolate you geographically
- Monitoring all communications — reading messages, demanding passwords, checking call logs
- Requiring constant location updates or checking in
- Intercepting mail or packages — controlling information flow
- Prohibiting or limiting use of a vehicle — restricting freedom of movement
- Making you financially dependent to prevent independent action (see financial section above)
Technology-Based Abuse (Digital Coercive Control)
Tech abuse is increasingly common and legally recognized. If you suspect monitoring, assume all devices are compromised until cleared.
- Spyware or stalkerware installed on your phone, tablet, or computer
- GPS tracking device on your vehicle (check under bumpers and wheel wells)
- Smart home devices used to monitor you (doorbell cameras, Alexa, smart locks)
- Location sharing demanded via Find My, Life360, Google Maps
- Accessing your accounts without permission — email, social media, banking
- Creating fake accounts to monitor your activity or contact your friends
- Sharing intimate images or threatening to do so (this is illegal in most states)
- Harassment via text, email, or social media — save all of this
- Controlling smart home access — locking doors, adjusting thermostat, turning lights off to intimidate
📱 If You Suspect Device Monitoring
- Use a library computer, a trusted friend's device, or a new prepaid phone for sensitive communications
- Access DivorcePro from a private/incognito browser window on a safe device
- Do not delete evidence of monitoring — screenshot it and document it; it strengthens your case
- Contact the DV Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for a safety tech review
- The National Network to End DV Tech Safety Project offers free device safety consultations
Evidence Organization Guide
Well-organized evidence can be the difference between a protective order being granted or denied, and it directly affects divorce settlements involving custody, asset division, and support. Here is what to gather and how to preserve it safely.
📆 Incident Documentation
- Date, time, and location of every incident
- Exact words used (quotes when possible)
- Names of any witnesses present
- What you were doing before, during, and after
- Your physical and emotional state immediately after
- Any injuries — photograph with date stamp
- Police report numbers if law enforcement was called
- Medical records from any treatment received
📷 Screenshot Preservation
- Screenshot threatening or abusive texts/emails immediately — messages can be deleted
- Include the full thread so context is visible
- Screenshot social media posts before they are removed
- Send copies to a trusted person outside the household or to a secure cloud account your partner doesn't know about
- Use a secondary email (Gmail, ProtonMail) created on a safe device
- Note: metadata in screenshots can include timestamps — this helps verify authenticity
📈 Financial Records to Gather
- Bank statements (both joint and any you can access)
- Tax returns from the last 3–5 years
- Pay stubs and W-2s for both spouses
- Mortgage statements and property deeds
- Investment and retirement account statements
- Vehicle titles
- Business ownership documents
- Credit card statements (look for hidden accounts)
- Life insurance policies with cash value
💬 Communication Preservation
- Export and back up all relevant text threads
- Forward abusive emails to a secure external account
- Save voicemails — record them on another device if you can't export
- Document social media harassment with URLs and screenshots
- Note any witnesses who overheard conversations or incidents
- Keep a private, dated journal — even handwritten — of events as they happen
🏠 Housing & Personal Safety Documents
- Lease or mortgage documents (you may have rights to remain)
- Any existing protective or restraining orders
- Police call logs or incident reports
- Children's school and medical records
- Your passport, birth certificate, social security card
- Immigration documents (see immigration section below)
- Pet ownership records (pets can be part of protective orders)
👥 Witness and Third-Party Records
- Names and contact info of anyone who witnessed abuse
- Neighbors who may have heard incidents
- Family members or friends who observed the relationship
- Therapist or counselor notes (with consent)
- School or daycare staff who noticed changes in children
- Any prior CPS involvement records
- Clergy or community members if relevant
Safety Planning Resources
Crisis Hotlines & Immediate Help
National DV Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 — 24/7, free, confidential, 200+ languages
Text line: Text START to 88788
Chat: thehotline.org (live chat available)
LGBTQ+ DV Hotline: 1-866-488-7386 (The Trevor Project / NCAVP)
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
🏗 Personal Safety Plan Template
A safety plan is a practical, personalized guide for protecting yourself. Work through these steps when it is safe to do so. The DV Hotline can help you create a detailed plan.
Know which exits in your home you can use quickly. Identify at least two. Practice the route mentally.
ID, cash, medication, phone charger, important documents, change of clothes. Store it somewhere accessible or with a trusted person.
Choose a word or phrase with a trusted friend or family member that signals you need help immediately without alerting your partner.
Identify at least two safe places: a friend or family member's home and a local DV shelter. Have addresses memorized, not just saved in your phone.
Search domesticshelters.org for confidential DV shelters near you. Shelters are free and your address is legally protected.
Contact a local DV legal clinic for free emergency protective order assistance. DivorcePro can help you organize your case preparation package in parallel.
Secure Communication Tips
- Use Signal or WhatsApp (encrypted) on a device your partner does not monitor
- Create a new email address on a device your partner has no access to — use ProtonMail for extra security
- Clear your browsing history or use incognito/private mode after researching legal options
- Disable location sharing in phone settings before searching for shelters or attorneys
- If you use a shared phone plan, your partner may see call logs — use a separate prepaid phone for sensitive calls
- Change passwords on all accounts from a safe device — use a password manager your partner doesn't know about
- If your smart speaker (Alexa, Google Home) may be monitoring, unplug it before sensitive conversations
Legal Protections Available to You
- Emergency Protective Order (EPO): Police can issue on-the-spot at a domestic violence call. Takes effect immediately.
- Temporary Restraining Order (TRO): Court can issue within 24–48 hours, often without the abuser present (ex parte).
- Confidential Address Program: Most states have address confidentiality programs — your address is legally sealed from your abuser and from public records.
- Custody & No-Contact Orders: Courts can prohibit contact except as necessary for children. Supervised visitation can be ordered.
- Safe Email Communication: You can communicate through your attorney only — no direct contact required.
- Emergency Custody Orders: If children are in danger, courts can issue emergency custody orders the same day.
- Crime Victim Compensation: Most states offer financial assistance to crime victims for medical costs, counseling, and relocation.
- Workplace Protections: Many states allow DV survivors to take protected leave and prohibit employers from firing you for DV-related absences.
🌐 Immigration Protections for Abuse Survivors
If you are not a US citizen and your spouse has used your immigration status as a control tactic, you have significant federal legal protections. Your spouse cannot "report" you to immigration as retaliation — and even if they try, federal law protects you.
VAWA Self-Petition (Violence Against Women Act): Allows abused spouses, children, and parents of US citizens or lawful permanent residents to petition for immigration status independently, without the abuser's knowledge or participation. Your petition is kept confidential by USCIS. You cannot be deported for filing. Contact the National DV Hotline for a referral to a VAWA-trained immigration attorney.
U Visa (Crime Victim Visa): If you have been the victim of a crime including domestic violence and cooperate with law enforcement, you may qualify for a U visa, which provides temporary lawful status and can lead to a green card. Law enforcement certification is required but many police departments and prosecutors routinely certify DV victims.
T Visa: If trafficking or labor exploitation is part of your situation, the T visa may apply.
ⓘ VAWA and U visa petitions are handled confidentially. USCIS cannot share your information with your abuser. Free immigration legal help for DV survivors: Legal Services Corporation (lsc.gov/find-legal-aid)
What DivorcePro Prepares for You (Confidentially)
All information is encrypted. Your case preparation package is yours alone. Your spouse will never be contacted or notified.
- Chronological abuse and incident timeline formatted for court
- Coercive control documentation organized by category (financial, emotional, isolation, tech)
- Asset inventory — including suspected hidden assets and financial abuse patterns
- Custody argument preparation — documenting how abuse affects the children's best interest standard
- Financial independence analysis — what you're entitled to and how to secure it
- State-specific divorce law summary for your jurisdiction
- Attorney consultation prep — walk in ready with a complete, organized case preparation package
- Parallel documentation for protective order proceedings and criminal proceedings
- Preparation for potential VAWA or U visa petition support documentation
Start Your Confidential case preparation package
Your timeline. Your pace. Completely private. Your spouse sees nothing.
Start for Free — No Payment RequiredIn immediate danger? Call 911 or the National DV Hotline: 1-800-799-7233